Actual Things I've Said That My Wife Didn't Find Funny

Me: I think I'll have butter on my baked potato.
Her: Put the butter away this time/
Me: Why should I? The butter puts itself away.
Her: No it doesn't.
Me: Yes it does. Every time I leave the butter out, I come back and it's in the fridge again.

Hmm. That was a lot funnier when it happened.