So, anyway. Yeah. Nothing much going on. Just felt like typing for a while, see if anything worthwhile spills out.

My apartment has failed to come to pass. Paperwork issues. I was hoping to know by last Saturday, but it may be two weeks from Monday before all the hoops have been jumped through. The apartment I found is completely cool, though. Two beds, a wood burning stove, downtown, I really can't wait.

In other news: instinct. You ever have someone set off alarms deep within your psyche for no appearant reason? It happend to me just the other day. I was this girls house with some mutual friends. I've only known her for a month or so; she dated one of my best friends for a time. Anyway, she is headed toward the eastern part of the state for the holidays, and wanted to take some pictures to show her family back home. Not just of me, but all her new friends here in town. Now, I'm generally against having my photo taken by anyone, even my family, but when she asked me to get on the couch with the others, something at the very bottom of my consciousness said "No. Do not let this person take your picture," and I stood up very quickly and said I didn't want my picture taken, that I didn't anyone taking my picture. She brought the camera to her face and made like she was going to anyway. Before I could even think, I said, "Do not take that picture! If you do, I will take the camera from you, rip the film out of the back, and expose every frame on the roll, do you understand me?" I didn't mean to be such an ass about it, but I knew I didn't want her to take my picture, and that if she did, I absolutly would have taken her camera by force and did just as I said I would. Another, much closer friend, sensed something strange in the way I was acting and leapt to my rescue, saying, "He's serious. He hates to get his picture taken. I wouldn't, if I were you."

I have no idea why I felt like I did, but it was a feeling very close the core of my being. In the same way we know that fire will burn us, I am positive that if she possesed my photograph, it would be a Bad Thing, though I do not know why.

I don't think I'm going to go over there anymore.

Is this thing capable of posting yet?

So, its been a while.

Just thought I'd point that out.

So, in philosophy recently, we learned about Jean-Paul Sartre (the last name is pronounced Sart) and I really liked him, until I began to realize how right he was, which is strange, because all the other thinkers we studied, I hated first, then liked. Sartre is a humanist, which means he's primarily concerned with day to day human trouble and trial. Aristotle's theory of the Four Forms and Descartes convincing himself that he's sleeping and has imagined the whole world are all nice and interesting to think about, but at the end of the day, they really don't help you get on with your life.

Enter the humanists. Sartre decided that humans' most intrinsic and defining trait is freedom. This is not a happy 'innocent man on death row gets clemency' freedom, this is an overpowering, terrifying freedom. Think about it. There is absolutly nothing stopping you from doing anything. Don't want to go to work? Don't go. Want to kill the bastard who dumped you? Go right ahead. Feel like crossing the median during rush hour? By all means. This is why our freedom is scary: we can do whatever we want, whenever we want, but we cannot always trust ourselves to do the right thing, and can never be certain of the consequences of our actions. The only thing we cannot do, is cease to be free. We are constantly and daily forced to choose, and even if you don't make a choice, that is a choice itself. This freedom scares us to the point where we delude ourselves into thinking that we're objects that the outside world just acts upon and forces our hand. You go to work because if you don't, you'll get fired. The chance that your employer might choose to fire you isn't why you go; you're scared of the consequences of what might happen if you don't go. You don't want to be responsible for your actions. How many times have you said, "Sorry I'm late, I overslept." That you overslept isn't why you're late. You choose not to get up on time. If you needed the extra sleep, then at some point you decided to do something that caused you to loose sleep.

Sartre is so very serious about the power of our choice and freedom, that he maintains that every human is completely and utterly responsibe for every action they choose. In no way at all are you allowed to pass off the responsability to anyone or anything else. Even "I was caught up in the moment. I couldn't help myself," is invalid. Despite what your emotions might have been, you choose to express them through you actions.

People taking more responsability for themselves is something I've always thought would be a good thing, and now I've got sound philosophical reasons behind why we sould do this. This is something that more people need to know about.

Then I realized that it works both ways.

You see, I have a English paper on Islam due on Monday. it is now 0130 Sunday, and I have not done enough research. My paper will not be ready by tomorrow. I would have done more work on it this weekend, but the libraries are closed. The fact that the libraries are closed has nothing to do with my paper being late. The fact that I choose to sit on it for two weeks has a lot more to do with it. Right now, I'm choosing to write this than either go to bed or work on my paper, and it SUCKS that I realize that I'm responsable for this mess.

I would very much like to slip into "bad faith," as Sartre puts it, and say, "Well, if the libraries were open on this, a holiday weekend, I'd have it done." Pass the buck you see. But my brain won't let me.

"Remember how cool you thought it would be if more peopel took responsability for themselves?" my brain says, "Now you have the chance to do just that and you're backing down? No way. I'm not gonna let you do that."
So I'm really upset with myself. Partly for my choices, and partly for my brain being right. It is my fault, as much as I want to say otherwise.

I hope this doesn't affect my grade too much. I'd like a B, will settle for a C, as that counts towards my major. I was really hoping that college would magically cure me of my tendency to procrastinate. I was very, very wrong, and now I know that it's because college can't do anything to me. I have to choose to change. Dammit.