So, anyway. Yeah. Nothing much going on. Just felt like typing for a while, see if anything worthwhile spills out.

My apartment has failed to come to pass. Paperwork issues. I was hoping to know by last Saturday, but it may be two weeks from Monday before all the hoops have been jumped through. The apartment I found is completely cool, though. Two beds, a wood burning stove, downtown, I really can't wait.

In other news: instinct. You ever have someone set off alarms deep within your psyche for no appearant reason? It happend to me just the other day. I was this girls house with some mutual friends. I've only known her for a month or so; she dated one of my best friends for a time. Anyway, she is headed toward the eastern part of the state for the holidays, and wanted to take some pictures to show her family back home. Not just of me, but all her new friends here in town. Now, I'm generally against having my photo taken by anyone, even my family, but when she asked me to get on the couch with the others, something at the very bottom of my consciousness said "No. Do not let this person take your picture," and I stood up very quickly and said I didn't want my picture taken, that I didn't anyone taking my picture. She brought the camera to her face and made like she was going to anyway. Before I could even think, I said, "Do not take that picture! If you do, I will take the camera from you, rip the film out of the back, and expose every frame on the roll, do you understand me?" I didn't mean to be such an ass about it, but I knew I didn't want her to take my picture, and that if she did, I absolutly would have taken her camera by force and did just as I said I would. Another, much closer friend, sensed something strange in the way I was acting and leapt to my rescue, saying, "He's serious. He hates to get his picture taken. I wouldn't, if I were you."

I have no idea why I felt like I did, but it was a feeling very close the core of my being. In the same way we know that fire will burn us, I am positive that if she possesed my photograph, it would be a Bad Thing, though I do not know why.

I don't think I'm going to go over there anymore.

Is this thing capable of posting yet?

So, its been a while.

Just thought I'd point that out.

So, in philosophy recently, we learned about Jean-Paul Sartre (the last name is pronounced Sart) and I really liked him, until I began to realize how right he was, which is strange, because all the other thinkers we studied, I hated first, then liked. Sartre is a humanist, which means he's primarily concerned with day to day human trouble and trial. Aristotle's theory of the Four Forms and Descartes convincing himself that he's sleeping and has imagined the whole world are all nice and interesting to think about, but at the end of the day, they really don't help you get on with your life.

Enter the humanists. Sartre decided that humans' most intrinsic and defining trait is freedom. This is not a happy 'innocent man on death row gets clemency' freedom, this is an overpowering, terrifying freedom. Think about it. There is absolutly nothing stopping you from doing anything. Don't want to go to work? Don't go. Want to kill the bastard who dumped you? Go right ahead. Feel like crossing the median during rush hour? By all means. This is why our freedom is scary: we can do whatever we want, whenever we want, but we cannot always trust ourselves to do the right thing, and can never be certain of the consequences of our actions. The only thing we cannot do, is cease to be free. We are constantly and daily forced to choose, and even if you don't make a choice, that is a choice itself. This freedom scares us to the point where we delude ourselves into thinking that we're objects that the outside world just acts upon and forces our hand. You go to work because if you don't, you'll get fired. The chance that your employer might choose to fire you isn't why you go; you're scared of the consequences of what might happen if you don't go. You don't want to be responsible for your actions. How many times have you said, "Sorry I'm late, I overslept." That you overslept isn't why you're late. You choose not to get up on time. If you needed the extra sleep, then at some point you decided to do something that caused you to loose sleep.

Sartre is so very serious about the power of our choice and freedom, that he maintains that every human is completely and utterly responsibe for every action they choose. In no way at all are you allowed to pass off the responsability to anyone or anything else. Even "I was caught up in the moment. I couldn't help myself," is invalid. Despite what your emotions might have been, you choose to express them through you actions.

People taking more responsability for themselves is something I've always thought would be a good thing, and now I've got sound philosophical reasons behind why we sould do this. This is something that more people need to know about.

Then I realized that it works both ways.

You see, I have a English paper on Islam due on Monday. it is now 0130 Sunday, and I have not done enough research. My paper will not be ready by tomorrow. I would have done more work on it this weekend, but the libraries are closed. The fact that the libraries are closed has nothing to do with my paper being late. The fact that I choose to sit on it for two weeks has a lot more to do with it. Right now, I'm choosing to write this than either go to bed or work on my paper, and it SUCKS that I realize that I'm responsable for this mess.

I would very much like to slip into "bad faith," as Sartre puts it, and say, "Well, if the libraries were open on this, a holiday weekend, I'd have it done." Pass the buck you see. But my brain won't let me.

"Remember how cool you thought it would be if more peopel took responsability for themselves?" my brain says, "Now you have the chance to do just that and you're backing down? No way. I'm not gonna let you do that."
So I'm really upset with myself. Partly for my choices, and partly for my brain being right. It is my fault, as much as I want to say otherwise.

I hope this doesn't affect my grade too much. I'd like a B, will settle for a C, as that counts towards my major. I was really hoping that college would magically cure me of my tendency to procrastinate. I was very, very wrong, and now I know that it's because college can't do anything to me. I have to choose to change. Dammit.

Not that I've lost faith in Roommate, but today I began to work out a budget in the eventuality that I have to go it solo. It's simultaneously better and worse than I expected. On the plus side, it is possible for me to afford a $500 a month aparment, which is good as they really don't come much cheaper. It's bad because, as far as I can predict my fixed expenses, [rent, gas, utilities, insurance], I have less than two hundered a month to live on. Not much. A semi-major medical emergency [espicially since I have no insurance for the time being] or minor auto trouble [highly likely. the Van is 21 years old and has more than 230k miles on it. All in all, its extremely reliable, but I often wonder how long it is before it really begins to fall to pieces] and I'm in the poor house. Even more so. I suppose I shouldn't bitch, there are countless people in this country who are ten, a hundred times worse off than I. At least I have parents to fall back on. My mother today said she'd understand if I needed to stay longer. The thought is very nice, but I'm not sure if I could take it.

In other news, I have officially matriculated for another six credits next semester. Just now, I can only afford to take as much as my financial aid covers. and this year it neatly covers six credits plus books each semester. This time around it was Philosophy 101: Introduction to Philosophy and English 102. Nest term, I've gone with History 105: Eastern Civilizations and Communications 101: Fundamentals of Speech Communication. Assuming I get a C or better in English, I'll be done with my English requirements.

Philosophy was a great class for me to take in this, my first semester of college. I don't mean to sound arrogant when I say this, but it's kind if unavoidable: philosophy has challenged me in a way that school hasn't for a very long time. It was a nice wake up call. Oh, this isn't high school. You may be able to BS your way through English, but there are classes out there that will kick your ass if you don't study for them. Philosophy kicks me in the head on a weekly basis. I do the readings, and think "This is the biggest pile of shit I've ever read. What the hell is this guy talking about? I don't exist? There is no logical basis for trusting in the laws of nature? What the fuck?" [Bonus points if you can name the two thinkers I'm talking about] Then I get to lecture and things start to make sense. Then it's more reading and right back to "What?" It's also been a long while since I had a teacher tear up a paper of mine like this. The worst part about it is, shes right. My essay skills have gotten slightly rusty, and she has very high standards for the work that crosses her desk. She also has the single harshest grading scale I've ever personally witnessed: 100 points for the entire semester. I'm already down to a low A, at best.

English has been English. If you've taken one English course, you've pretty much taken them all, unless you were one of the very lucky few who had Mr. Emery. Mr. Emery, wherever you are, may your beard grow long, may the wind be in your hair, and the bugs in your teeth!

I really hate to say this about a teacher, I generally have nothing but the highest regard for anyone who has dedicated their life to teaching. In my opinion, teachers should be among the most revered members of our society, instead they are among the most underpaid, overworked, underappretiated people around. Where the hell would the world be without great teacher? But I digress. My English Prof is.... soft. She never really sticks to her guns. Never says, "No, I said It would be due today, and it's due today. Do you have it or not?" I think the reasons for this are two fold. First, the two books shes using, "Perspectives on Contemperary Issues" ed. by Katherine Anne Ackerly, and "Writers Choices: Grammar to Improve Style" by someone or other, are brand new to her and she is not as comfortable with the material as she could or should be. Secondly, her back is bugging her something fierce, to the point she's not teaching nextsemester. I think shes to the point where she just wants to end the semester without arguing with students over minor points of the syllabus. BTW, I like both of the books. PCI starts off with a nice overview of reading, writing and thinking critically, then touches on writing research papers, MLA and all that rot. The second half is nothing but essays by learned folk on contemporay issues, hence the titles. Lots o' good reading, and some fun stuff to think about. WC talks all about grammar, and I must be weird, but learning the science and theory behind why we speak and write the way we do, along with the nitty gritty grammaticla stuff is fascinating. The rest of the calss hates the book, mostly because it has a lot drilling and teaches grammar in a way that reflects the new thinking on it, which is not the way we were taught. I, for one, was taught pretty much simple noun verb adverd ect parts of speech. This book points out, quite rightly that most any word can fill many parts of speech, depending on where it is in the sentence, and what words are around it. It teaches not single words, but groups, phrases and clauses that function as single grammatical unit, and that understanding these relationships are key to writing better sentences. In my classmates defense, the language it uses to describe things is pretty screwy in spots, and the drilling drilling drilling is never fun.

The history for next semester is because I have a interest in it, may minor or even double major in it. The rate I'm going though, I should just concentrate on one thing.
Also, the professor come highly recommended.

Commincation? Ehh, my advisor recommended it. I guesss thats what Avisors are for, recommending the things you really need but don't know it. Even so, I'm thinking about dropping it for a writing course. I love to write, espicialy about nothing at all, as well you know, and I think a writing couse just might be the shot in the arm I need.

Well, it's pushing two. Notice that the time stamps on this thing are, for some reason, in Pacific time. I you want to know the real time I posted something, add 1 to every hour.

Ok, so it works. Last time I tried this it ate my post. Some friends and family now know about this page. I'm not sure how I feel about that. I suppose I knew they would find it eventally, but not that' its happened, I'm sure what to think. Should I hold my tongue as more and more people I actually know read this and may comment on what I say, particularly if its about them? Ah well. It can't be helped. I guess if I piss someone off, then I piss them off. I like to think that all my friends are mature enough to take anything that might be said here in stride. As I stated in one my first posts, this is entirely for me, and mostly just a means of getting thoughts organized and out of my head.

Existential Praxis MamboThis is a test of the Blogger post jave applet.

I so very desperately need to move out of my parents house. It's not that I don't love them, I just think I'd love them more from the comfort of my own living room. In fact, I know this, as I have lived on my own before, for a year and a half right out of high school. It was great. Me and my roommate had a little two bedroom duplex. For the first time, no parents, no rules, just us. Those of you who can remember the first time you moved you moved out will understand what I'm talking about. But, as with many first time renters, it fell through. I got really sick, Roommate got fired, money ran out and it was time to go back home. For a while, things back at the ol' homestead were wonderful. More and better food, for starters, no rent, and my parents and I were getting along better than we had in years. In the meanwhile, I was able to recooperate, start college, and look for better employment unmolested.

That was last January.

Now, things are beginning to unravel. Not seriously, but the sooner I vacate, the better, for all concerned.

My old room was rapidly (I'm talking a matter of hours) converted into an office for my father, so, when I returned, my 10 year old sister was forced to share a room with my 16 year old sister. They manage as well as any 10 year old and 16 year old can, which is to say not very. So I promised the 16 year old that she would have her own room for senior year, which will begin in August.

My mother started a home daycare and has thee or four kids on a daily basis. I guess she's had her license for some time, but has only in the last 10 months or so started actively recruiting charges. One of them has taken to screaming at the top of his lungs any time he feels he's not the center of attention. He has remarkable lung capacity for someone who is not yet two. The others are merely underfoot constantly, and I'm afraid I'm gonna step on one. I know it's the nature of toddlers to be in the way, but it's hard to care when they're not your own. There are also a large number of child care related rules we have to follow. Things regarding sanitation, and locks, and gates. I approve of the system of rules the City has in place, keeps stupid people from opening daycares, but they can be annoying when applied to you home, the most annoying being that my dog has to stay penned up behind gates all day. He's a nice dog, never bitten, hardly barks, but it's a pretty strict rule.

And, finally, my father was just laid off. This is not the terrible financial blow it could have been, but our house is smallish and that's just one more person who's around. So, my five family members, plus two to five daycare kids everyday just makes the house extremely crowded.

On top of it all, it's annoying to be 20ish and living with mom and dad:

GIRL: So, you wanna go back to your place?
ME (envisioning my parents, sisters and dozen strange rugrats): Well, you see, I'd love to, but.....

Not that I've ever been in that position, but if it were to happen, it would happen now, when I can't take advantage of the opportunity.

So, moving out, again, is high on my list of priorities, but there are obstacles, the first of which is the cost of living in this valley. They say that your rent should not exceed one third of you net pay, for me this means I max out at about $400. A one bedroom house/apartment/studio is surprisingly hard to come by for that amount. On top of it all, it would be nice if I could bring my dog Lou along with me, but finding buildings who allow big pets and don't require an additional arm and/or leg in deposits is even harder. I have made tentative plans with the 'rents to leave him here, but would rather not.

Enter the Roommate. Same one as before, we still get along and now that he has dumped that whorish jailbait controlling bitch of a girlfriend we can hang out again. (I may seem shallow, but I tried and tried to get them to break up, but after a while I just couldn't sit back and watch the kinds of things she did to him while took it with this big "yes dear, I love you" shit eating grin all the time. So, I put a little distance between us and hoped that he would come to his senses before it was too late. I'm glad to report that he has, and even has a new girl who seems to very sweet, and nice and better for him and, most importantly, not a whorish jailbait controlling bitch.) It is actually easier to find a $600 a month or so two bed house/apartment and spilt the bills, but he has had trouble locating sufficient employment. I will admit, for a while I was wondering just how hard he truly was looking. I mean, he says he looking really hard, but all that looking and no offers? I'm sorry I doubted him, because I now know how hard he's looked. Just this week, he got a part time job at Skippers, where his supervisor is none other than his younger sister.

Ouch.

I know how much pride he had to swallow to do that. That job still isn't enough, but it's something, and I know he would not have gone back into the "food service" industry, let alone under the supervision of his sister, unless he was desperate.

So for now, the target date is Januaryish. I would like to be gone by January 10th, as that is the one year date of my moving back, and want to be able to say to myself, "Yeah, I had to move back with mom and dad, but it was less than a year, so I'm not doing too bad."

I hope we make it.

I should be working on my English paper, but I'm at my friends house watching Reign of Fire with him and his new girlfriend. I ignored a lot of problems with it the first time I saw it because dragons are cool, end of story. Dragons are even cooler when they're eating people. This movie finally demonstrated what Dragon Fear truly is: it's not a magical fear effect, it's the sudden and cold realization that you have just been removed to the bottom of the food chain.

I notice that my last sentence has sharply divided my readership, if any, into two distinct camps: Those who play D&D, and those who do not.

So, today I got into a discussion with a classmate about weather or not there is an Absolute Morality. Mind you, I'm not necessarily talking about God, I'm a little lukewarm on the subject myself, just the concept that there are certain social mores that are more or less present in all cultures and all times. He was of the opinion that anything can be justified, a position I find apalling. That implies that Joseph Stalin, Phol Pot or a thousand other despots are in the clear simply because their actions were "justified." Just because they felt they had justification, does that mean their justification still holds, or was ever even valid to begin with? Justification to youself does not imply that it holds up under a more objective light. It was a difficult position for me to defend, because as little as two years ago I argued long and hard for this point of view, and was not sure how to go about the whole thing. Part of this blog is to marshall my thought for when I see him again Friday. I think that are just certain standards of behavior that run through the gamut of human culture. I hesitate to actually write down what they might be, because they're so base and integral to us, that if you got as specific as words, the definition wouldn't apply across the board, but to make my argument sound, I'll have to at least try. I'm speaking of things like loyalty, feeling loved by your family, feeling safe in your community, a sense of accomplishment, people respecting each other, whatever form that respect takes, just being decent and honest with one another. I feel things like this exist because if you look at ancient texts, the Bible, Socrates, Plato, Aristotle, Confuscious, Buddha, and many many others, you find the same, or at least similar themes running through them all. These writings evolved, sometimes seperatly other times jointly, but these core values, if you will, remained essentially the same. Also, if you believe that anything can be justified, then there is no point to having any kind of system of laws or puishments for crimes. The laws and punishments are just as arbitrary as the crime, and as long as you can justify things, then there is no fault. Society would devolve into a might makes right type system where the strong would rule weak, because they were the best at "justifying" their actions. Machiavellian tactics may get you ahead in business and life, but they don't make you ethically right. Niccolo Machiavelli even says in The Prince, I think, that to employ these tactics you must be indifferent to moral considerations. That's the key to things: Moral Considerations. Or Ethics, if you prefer the term, I find no difference in them. Legal justification is probably too easy to come by in this counrty, but legal justification does not imply moral/ethical justification.

Well, I think I've prattled on enough about this. I know this a cheap way to close things, but this is my space, not yours, so bug off.

Well, I had a nice long post for today, but it disappeared into the ether of the net when I tried to post, and as I don't feel like re writing it, this is all you get.

My friend led me to this site. It's really very easy to use. Took me less than five minutes to set up, and most of that was spent deciding on a template to use. If you're looking for, well anything really, you probably won't find it here. This will most likely end up just being a catharsis for whatever thoughts are rolling around in my head, and I offer no guarantee that it will make any sense to you or even be spelled correctly.

Some particulars about me: Male, 20ish, left handed, English major.

I think two posts in one night is enough. I'll ruminate on this whole blog thing and see what takes root.

This is my blog. Eventually stuff will go here, once I figure out what kinds of things I want to say. For now, I shall merely plug my friends webcomic supremeauranation.keenspace.com Oh, and I know squat for html, so things will be interesting for a while.