I fear

fir the future of videogames. Read this (and this) and fear also.

What weighs 6lbs, 13oz and is 20 inches long?

No, you idiots, it's my daughter.

Here is the story of how my daughter, Sydney Elizabeth Ferree came into existence. You can go here to see some pictures online (click 'sydney elizabeth' in the left hand column).

On the evening of Thursday, May 25th, we checked into St. Alphonsus Hospital. Nomi was given a drug to help her cervix dilate, and it required about 12 hours to work. The next day, she was given Pitoson (usure of spelling) a drug that starts contractions and gets labor rolling. Contractions started about 6 am, and steadily increased throughout the day. Around noon, the doctor decided to break Naomi's water to help things along. This was very painful for Nomi, so we opted to have an epidural put in to help with the pain. Around five pm, it seemed that her dilation had leveled off, and was not yet at the 10 centimeters necessary for delivery. They gave it a few more hours, and with no appreciable progress, the decision was made to do a c-section.

Naomi was wheeled away, and I was given a suit, hat, and booties to wear in the operating room. A few minutes later, I was called for, and sat on a stool near Naomi's head to comfort her. The docs had raised a sheet across her shoulders so I did not actually see how they did it. About 30 minutes later, Sydney had arrived. She was checked out for several minutes on a nearby table. I was allowed to take some pictures, but it was with a film camera, and we have not developed them yet. Shortly, they let me take Sydney in my arms and carry her to the recovery room.

Official stats are: Thursday, May 26 8:52 PM; 6 pounds 13 ounces; 20 inches long.

Sydney was very active, looking around and crying some, though not much. By all accounts, she was an extremely healthy baby. A neo-natologist came in for a brief word and remarked "That dose not look like a child of a diabetic mother." Naomi, on the other hand, suffered some complications, though not serious ones. Her blood sugar was extremely high, and her blood pressure was extremely low (at one point dropping to 80/20), aking her very tired and confused, while at the same time almost convulsing as her body burned off the andrenaline. It took a couple hours, but she came out of it fine, and was allowed to return to her room with the baby and all the family.

We stayed in the hospital all day Friday and Saturday, and left around noon on Sunday. We could have stayed another night, but Nomi and the baby had recovered remarkably and the doctors gave us the ok to go home, and we were eager to get out of the hospital. For being an institution of healing, it's amazing how little sleep ones gets while admitted.

Sydney is home now, and I'm wondering what I did to deserve such a mild baby; certainly Nomi and I were not this noce to our parents (my father in law describes Sydney's tempermant as "completely unfair." Aside: My father in law is the first male in his family to live long enough to see a grandchild in at least three generations. I think that's cool.)

As I type this,

it's a little past one am, and I'm sitting in the hospital room while Nomi sleeps. We got here at about five pm, and are now on the thresh hold of giving birth. In the morning, she will be given a drug that starts contractions and... and then we wait. The worst part about inducing labor is how up in the air everything is. The doctor can't tell us what will happen because there too many variables. We will playing it by ear, and that's a little frightening.

Best case scenario: She takes the drug, labor occurs, and a few hours later the baby arrives vaginally.

Worst case scenario: She takes the drug, labors hard for many hours to no effect, and they have to put Nomi under general anesthesia for an emergency c-section.

Or anywhere in between. It's maddening, really.

I keep telling myself that this is the best place to be considering the unknowns; that whatever happens, the staff here is well trained and can handle emergencies. It's still annoying not to have any idea what will actually happen, other than, by this time tomorrow, I should be looking at my new daughter.

I've been trying to come to grips with the emotion of the situation, and I really can't. It's been an intimidating mental roller coaster. I go from absolute elation, to Full-Blown Linear Panic (as opposed to Modified Stationary Panic) and everything in between. I'll be giddy to the point of bugging the hell out out of my wife, then ten minuets later, breathing so fast I need to sit down before I pass out. Since we've arrived at the hospital, I've tried really hard to remain calm and collected, and let Nomi do most of the panicking.

There's quite a bit about the next rest of my life that scares me now. I worry about money and keeping up on the housework. I worry about teaching my child right. I worry about trying to explain why there's evil in the world. I worry about the shows on TV and the songs on the radio. I worry that she'll be healthy. As silly as it may seem, I worry that she'll love me. I worry about my marriage, not that we're having any trouble, but because a child changes everything and I wonder how we'll cope.

I worry about being a good dad.

I've been told that the joy of having a child more than makes up for the worry, but right now, in this darkened hospital room, the worry is coming through pretty strong.

I've learned to value my friends and family more. I really don't say it enough, but I could not have made through this without them. Beyond the financial support (of which there has been much, deeply appreciated) simply being there has really helped. Knowing that I can still drop in late at night for some gaming, or that they're still up for a long drive to nowhere, philosophizing, really helps. In an absolutely startling move, a couple of my friends have actually taken the weekend off, so they'll be available if we need them.

My perception of time has been fundamentally altered, in a way that I'm not certain I can explain. If you asked me, two years ago, what would be going in 20 years, I probably would have shrugged, mumbled something about being 40 and teaching English somewhere. Now, I look 18 years hence and I see Sydney graduating high school. She's had an entire life and I've been there to witness it: learning to walk, to talk, to read, making friends, getting into fights, finding love, loosing it, and on and on and on.

It's weird to think about.

Along with this, has come a greater, I dunno, understanding? (Acceptance? Realization? I can't quite pick the right word) of my own mortality. I think it strange that creating a new life has caused me to consider my own death, but it has. My death now has consequences, whereas, before I was married, it would affect only my friends and family. But now, it'll truly affect my kid, in a profound manner. Not to belittle my friends and family, but my dying won't affect them as much or in the same way as it will Sydney. (I say 'will', because it will happen, eventually) I need to be careful. Eat better. Peel my ass off the sofa once in a while. I need to be there, in life, for my kids. Before Sydney (this may sound melodramatic, but words fail me), I had no reason to live. I wasn't suicidal; I had no particular reason to die, but I had no compelling reason to keep breathing, either. Now I have something (someone, specifically) to live my life for.

It's startling when your life comes into focus like that.

At what point

does teaching your children what you believe to be right become brainwashing? This was the question I asked after I saw a lenghty news article about how it appears that a group of polygamists have plans to set up a community in Northern Idaho. Before I go further, allow me to say that if you think polygamy is the key to everlasting life, by all means, go for it; it's certainly not the strangest notion of salvation I've ever heard. What I do oppose is the practice of marrying young girls (15, 16 years old) to older men; to me, that smacks of exploitation. Also, if you choose to have a dozen wives and several dozen children, you should not be eligible for certain welfare benefits, such as food stamps. That, too, is exploitive, but in a different manner.

Anyway, this segment had statements from some of the polygamist women and men, saying that this is how they have chosen to live, that it's not abusive, they are happy, etc. The counter argument, from other citzens and some kind of expert was the only reason these people are saying they're ok is because they've been brainwashed into accepting their lifestyle, hence my question.

From a certain point of view, everything everyone teaches their kids is brainwashing. I plan to teach my children that, despite it's flaws, democracy is the best form of governance yet devised. Meanwhile, some shild in China may be learning that, despite it's flaws, communism is the best form of governance yet devised. It's all brainwashing, according to an ardent advocate of feudalism and Divine Right. These polygamists are merely teaching their children to adhere to a doctrine that, while non-standard, is every bit as valid as people teaching children to pray to Baby Jesus, or follow the 8 fold path, or to revere their ancestors. Before anyone points out that Christianity is an accepted religion the world over, I would remind them that, once upon a time, Christianity was considered a dangerous and subsersive sect.

That's about all my thoughts on that, really. I think I had more, but had to step away from this post for about two weeks and now I can't rmemeber where I was going with all this.

I would say I'm cautiously optimistic

about Oregon's mileage tax. Basically, because cars are getting more fuel efficient, revenues from gasoline taxes (used to fix roads and fund projects) are falling. As a possible solution, Oregon department of Transportation is conducting a study where drivers are charged for the miles they drive via a specialized GPS in their car. Here is another article, and here is a disenting opinion.

I'm glad lawmakers are investigating such an innovative approach to taxation. I'm not saying it's a solution and that we should implement it on a federal level, but I am saying it has a lot of potential. Some of the ideas surrounding the mileage tax are paying a premium for driving during rush hour in congested areas and, assuming national implementation, tracking and paying the mileage rate for each state you drive in (the gas tax already works somewhat like this, as you pay each individual states gas tax when you fuel up there). Also, this system could be used to charge a heavier tax on larger vehicles that do more wear and tear on the road. An idea I had was, if the GPS systems were sensitive enough, you could charge a special, temporary tax on a road or highway that needed extensive repair, such as a new interstate exit or major resurfacing. This could, arguably, create extra revenue for special projects allowing them to be financed easier and completed quicker. Also, states could charge a premium for driving in wilderness areas where even one or two vehicles on a backcountry road can cause extensive damage.

This idea is not without potential problems, though; chief of which is privacy and fairness. The State (and potentially Federal) government is essentially wanting to put a tracking device into your car to read when and where you drive. Security of this data would have to be airtight, and even then many people would not be comfortable with it. Also, the way test is being conducted, it treats a Toyota Prius the same as a Kenworth 18 wheeler towing three trailers, which removes some of the incentive for buying fuel efficient/hybrid cars.

My impending fatherhood

has caused me to reevaluate my positions on some things. Most recently, I've been thinking about registered sex offenders. In Idaho, as many other places, convicted sex offenders must register their address with local law enforcement. Ada County even has a website where you can get the address and picture of offenders in your zip code.

This registry has me conflicted.

On one hand, arrests and convictions are a matter or public record. It's really not anyone's business, but you can head down to the DMV and see every ticket I've ever had. You can plug in local notables and see their records as well. That's all well and good, but the nature of sex crimes taint a person for life. We seem to willing to believe that a burglar can mend their ways, or a drug dealer can walk the straigt and narrow again, but not child molesters and the like. These people are branded and outcast from normal society, and putting their pictures and forceing them to register their addresses leaves them vulnerable to public prejudice and bigotry. There have been recent stories where citizens have abused this information.

As a citzen, I feel that these offenders should be given a chance to redeem themselves, to have some privacy and chance to return to a normal, productive life. I don't think they should be forced to have a seperate registry of addresses. These registries are often implimented and defended by saying it's for the safety of our kids and neighborhoods, but there are lots of other crimes that prey on the innocent, such as murderers and drug dealers. Why isn't there a registry for these people? I would like to know if there's a convicted narcaotics trafficer living near by. Or people conviced of DUI. They pose a similar danger to the welfare of my community, why aren't they forced to post their pictures and addresses online? It really bothers me that we, as a community, are heavily stacking the deck against someones' right to a second chance and a decent, private life.

As a father, I want to know where these bastards live so I can tell to stay the fuck away from my kids.

Baby Update

I feel lucky. Other than the diabetes, this seem sto have been an extremely easy pregnancy, for me at least. There have been no weird 3 am cravings for sardines and bean sprouts (she has had some cravings, but they've been fairly mundane, and nothing that she hasn't craved before) and with one exception, we've managed to avoid any highly emotional pregnant outbursts.

The one exception is kind of an interesting story. On her way to work, Nomi decided she wanted some coffee, so she stopped at a gas station, fixed her cup just the way she likes it and took it out to the car. When she set it on the top of the car to open it, it spilled all down the front of her work shirt. Now, this is something that make just about anyone upset , but for Nomi, that it day it was devastating. She came to work in tears, and I just happened to be in the break room when she walked in, clearly upset. Between sobs, she told me what happened. I tried to comfort her, but she could not be consoled. She left to go clock on and about an hour later, I got a call at my register. She was still distraught, and need to talk to try and feel better. I did what I could, but we were busy and I couldn't spend too much time with her. Three hours into her shift, she is still crying in the kiosk, and her boss says it's ok to go home. This made here feel worse, as it meant her already short handed department had to pull someone from the floor to run the fuel station, and she was shorting her paycheck four hours. We all tried to tell her it was ok, that we understood, she was pregnant, and we didn't hold it against her, but she wouldn't believe us. She still wasn't totally ok when she came to pick me up from work. We laugh about it now, but at the time her whole universe was upsidedown.

In baby news, we are 20 days from induction. Nomi had an ultrasound yesterday, and Sidney weighs six (!) pounds. This is exactly where she needs to be, and the doc said she may gain up to two more pounds by the end of it. I was really happy to hear this. I was afraid that, because of the gestational diabetes, Sidney would be far above agverage, which would cause problems. Also, she has flipped over, and is head-down, ready to deliver. This explains why Nomi had been especially uncomfortable over the last few days.